gr..

so... the boy's family thinks i'm fucked up because i'm bi.. i love that.. your bold enough to come out of the closet and stand proud for who you are and you get bashed for it... i swear it's like they push you and push you to be you and then when you finially are they want to shove you back in the closet.. bastards... you know what i have to say to everyone out there....


FUCK YOU

Love and Hugs
Cyn

POP!

so we're putting popcorn on the tree... hehe... pretty pretty tree

damnit

Fuck... christmas is too far away.... damnit... who owns a time machine...

Cursed fucking holidays...


Hugz and Kizzez

Cyn

Stupid F*cken Stomach

SO i hate my tummy.....*whimper* make it go away

Watch me as I fall

So i deffinatly know that I am not cut out for a day job.
I work 5 days a week and relize : all i wanna do with my life is make music, how bad can that be? I mean, other people do it all the time right?
But then again, other people aren't curvacious women who drink vodka straight after a bad day.
And before anyone starts thinking that i'm a drunk, i'm not, there's ntohing wrong witht he occasional drink, and chain smoking, so fuck you.
Tee-hee.
Anyways, nothing really mucht to say, just that i hate my day job
Loves and Hugs

Cynthia_mae

Colour me a fool

Okay, yet another trouble in my world. Yay.

So there's this guy, i wont name names because if he stumbles in on this blogger and knows it's him, and doens't feel the same way, i like i mght die of embarrasment.
He is an amazing man, and I care alot about him. We first were introduced by a mutual friend, and as our talking went on, I found I had become quite attached to him. Now, this is not a normal thing for me, I am not usually one to get attached so easily to people, so I started thinking, and I found that i cared for him, more than a friend was supost to. I had a crush.
Now I'm not saying that it's the end of the world or anything i've had crushes before and they've come and gone but for some reason i can't get this one out of my head, and it scary sometimes how i'll be laying in bed wondering if he will coem online or not.
Now, this isn't one of those "he lives in germany" things, he lives in the same city as I do, but we've just never gotten around to meeting face to face, and it never seems like the right time to ask him.
I donno, i think i'm officially fucked in the head and I seriously need to start sleeping.
3:26am and all i can do is post on blogger? yup, i deffinatly need to do soemthing baout my sleeping habbits.

Cynthia-Mae

i tkae a look at your face, and wonder what's going to happen

I'm seriously getting sic of this insomnia bullshit... that's all i have to say. RAWR

Smile to the world, pretend like I don't exist, be invisible, don't let the pain show through

I hate what i've become, I'm this scared child who runs from the world. The word love is almost as frightening to me as a gun to my head. Only at this point i think the gun would be resurring, only I pray that that person actually gets the job done right. Of course with my karma, they'd miss.
I have been haveing the worst time sleeping lately, always the same dream, over and over, I'm laying in the arms of a lover, the feeling of being compleately safe and secure is surrounding me, there's music playing in the background, Moonlight Sonata, the song of peace to me. But suddenly that feeling disapeares and i'm being beaten like i used to be, over and over, I can feel the ribs snapping, the muscles teareing and not a tear is shed, because I know that if i cry, it'll make it worse. Only the pain doens't stop, it keeps intensifing until I feel this serene peacefullness, and just because the calming darkness takes me over, I wake up, to the light streaming in my window, and then suddenly everything htis me again, that i'm still here, and i'm alive again. And I don't know what hurts more, the fact that I'm broken, or that fact that i'm beyond careing.
I spent the day with an angel with black wings today. It makes me smile to know that someone actaully gives a rats ass if i live or die. I don't know how it happend again. I false rumor, a death, and my walls we're starting to shake, I couldn't take it, so i ran, yet again. But then agian don't I always? Anytime someone gets close enough to actually see what goes on in my life i do soemthing stupid and fuck it up. Only she's still here. And for the first time in my life since Brandon, I think I might be able to fully trust someone again, and I just don't know how to react to that. I don't know whether to hug her, or cry with fear. Part of me wishes I wasn't so broken, that I could be a normal person, with normal thoughts, that everytime i see a blade, or a sharp object I wonder if maybe this will be the time it will hurt enough to solve the craveing. But i know it wont, so i don't, because I have an angel with blackend wings, who needs me more than anything else right now.
And for the first time in a long time, I have something to live for again..