i tkae a look at your face, and wonder what's going to happen

I'm seriously getting sic of this insomnia bullshit... that's all i have to say. RAWR

Smile to the world, pretend like I don't exist, be invisible, don't let the pain show through

I hate what i've become, I'm this scared child who runs from the world. The word love is almost as frightening to me as a gun to my head. Only at this point i think the gun would be resurring, only I pray that that person actually gets the job done right. Of course with my karma, they'd miss.
I have been haveing the worst time sleeping lately, always the same dream, over and over, I'm laying in the arms of a lover, the feeling of being compleately safe and secure is surrounding me, there's music playing in the background, Moonlight Sonata, the song of peace to me. But suddenly that feeling disapeares and i'm being beaten like i used to be, over and over, I can feel the ribs snapping, the muscles teareing and not a tear is shed, because I know that if i cry, it'll make it worse. Only the pain doens't stop, it keeps intensifing until I feel this serene peacefullness, and just because the calming darkness takes me over, I wake up, to the light streaming in my window, and then suddenly everything htis me again, that i'm still here, and i'm alive again. And I don't know what hurts more, the fact that I'm broken, or that fact that i'm beyond careing.
I spent the day with an angel with black wings today. It makes me smile to know that someone actaully gives a rats ass if i live or die. I don't know how it happend again. I false rumor, a death, and my walls we're starting to shake, I couldn't take it, so i ran, yet again. But then agian don't I always? Anytime someone gets close enough to actually see what goes on in my life i do soemthing stupid and fuck it up. Only she's still here. And for the first time in my life since Brandon, I think I might be able to fully trust someone again, and I just don't know how to react to that. I don't know whether to hug her, or cry with fear. Part of me wishes I wasn't so broken, that I could be a normal person, with normal thoughts, that everytime i see a blade, or a sharp object I wonder if maybe this will be the time it will hurt enough to solve the craveing. But i know it wont, so i don't, because I have an angel with blackend wings, who needs me more than anything else right now.
And for the first time in a long time, I have something to live for again..